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Abby Calvin

forever chasing light

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on broken things, Part I

July 8, 2017      Leave a Comment

What do you do when people fail you? Not a little tiny failure, but a massive, all-consuming failure. A failure that feels like a knife in your stomach, twisting, causing you to collapse to your knees. A failure that leaves a gaping hole in the heart of you and feels like loss. A loss that separates them from you and feels all too much like grief.

Grief takes many forms. It may not always be loud, but it is far from silent. Grief makes its presence known. Grief affects every area of your life, sneaking up on you when you least expect it. It holds you hostage. Learning to live without is an enormous process, and it takes time. So much time.

You look around, and your entire life has been altered. Nothing is the same. You miss the way things were, but you can’t go back, and nothing will be the same again. You miss your friends, but they simply aren’t there anymore. They haven’t died, but they don’t think of you the same anymore, and the easy confidence, the security that you thought would last forever has been stripped away.

You see pictures of them on Facebook, on Instagram, laughing and happy, the same old group of them together, never an empty space to mark where once you would have been. If a friendship can end so simply, so easily, how strong was it really?

They were the ones who – you thought – would circle the wagons for you. The ones you thought of as second parents – perhaps more so than your own. Yet this shows you they aren’t. They aren’t forever. They are human, achingly, tragically, fragile humans.

And then you remember, anyway, how you would always end up in the back of the photograph. The one they crowded in front of, forgetting to make room for. The tag-along, the third wheel. How firmly that had become your role over the last year or two. You were leftover, the one they could always make fun of and then laugh to make it seem a joke. The insecure one, whose contributions were never valued.

You think you will never love again. You think you will never trust again. You think you’ve forgotten how to be a friend because it’s been so long since friendship – true friendship, the kind that doesn’t ask anything of you – has been shown to you, and in the dark nights you fear you’re losing your mind. You feel broken. Anxiety builds its home right next to grief within your gut, stealing your appetite until you look like a skin and bone version of the girl you once were. Your eyes are sad and your face is drawn and you wear far too much makeup, to try and hide the tell-tale dark marks under your eyes.

It is hard. It’s unspeakably hard. Any words I have on the subject are entirely insufficient. So I guess this is just to say: I’ve been there. I know what it’s like. You are not alone. 

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I feel like a poem, I told DJ tonight(two nights a I feel like a poem, I told DJ tonight(two nights ago), and what is a poem but an attempt to express a feeling without a point? 

he wordlessly held my hand a little tighter and i looked up at the stars and it was then I realized, maybe the feeling is the point. we might very well just be little houseplants with complicated emotions, but maybe the emotion is what separates us from the houseplant. and I took a breath of salt-scented air and listened to the waves softly lapping the shore and if it could all just be exactly what it was, maybe so could I, even if just for tonight. 

(the ocean makes me feel more fourish, and don’t @ me. I know this falls apart eventually but it’s where I was.)
I heard @bethmoorelpm say it was Husband Appreciat I heard @bethmoorelpm say it was Husband Appreciation Day, sooo...here’s the best one. ;) I won’t get too sappy (after all, we have an anniversary and a birthday coming up) but I’m just here to say how much I appreciate him. He works ridiculously hard and somehow still manages to find the time to unload the dishwasher on a regular basis, give me back rubs, and take me to the beach for the weekend. I hit the jackpot with him fo’ sho’.
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#husbandappreciationday
📷: @cactusandvinephotography
“We are rich,' said Anne staunchly. 'Why, we hav “We are rich,' said Anne staunchly. 'Why, we have sixteen (thirty-something?) years to our credit, and we are as happy as queens and we've all got imaginations, more or less. Look at that sea, girls - all silver and shallow and vision of things not seen. We couldn't enjoy its loveliness any more if we had millions of dollars and ropes of diamonds.”

L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables
✨ you are the best thing that’s ever been mine ✨ you are the best thing that’s ever been mine ✨

Obsessed with these sneak peeks from @cactusandvinephotography 😍😍
He follows the instructions sometimes. 🏔 He follows the instructions sometimes. 🏔
Too much and not enough, all at the same time. I’ve been struggling lately with not knowing how to BE — how to exist in this strange in-between place in which I find myself. And for a girl whose love language is “being understood,” it’s kind of a hard place to be. 😅

Too conservative for some. Too liberal for others. Never really quite enough for either.

Too religious for half the world. Too “progressive” of a Christian for the other half, aka “not religious enough.” And I get it. I used to mock people like that too. But really, all I want to do is follow  after Jesus — it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. It’s a crazy adventure for sure, and definitely not what I ever expected!

This sounds like a whiny post but it isn’t meant to be. I just want to give words to this space, and honor the God who is leading me through it, because really, he’s led me through worse! I tipped my face up to the sun today and remembered that despite anything and everything that goes on in this world, hope has not been—cannot ever be—canceled. Yes, sometimes you have to fight for it, but it’s always always always worth it. 🌿
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#notdriving
Sometimes life feels like a desert.... ? Honestly Sometimes life feels like a desert.... ? Honestly surprised I don’t take more pictures of cactooses. 🌵
Valentine’s Day is for the birds and all...but h Valentine’s Day is for the birds and all...but he’s my forever valentine. 😍Here’s a gratuitous picture of us on our honeymoon...THREE AND A HALF YEARS ago.

It’s funny, I recently ran across a very old journal entry from maybe a decade ago. I was going through this stage where I was coming to grips with the fact that I wasn’t going to be married in my early twenties like I’d always thought. And I’d just had the startling realization that maybe there wasn’t something wrong with ME — maybe HE just wasn’t ready. Doing the math, it turns out my future husband was married to someone else at the time. 😆😳 I’m not sure if that’s inspirational or just plain weird and/or maybe a little bit creepy, but there ya go. 💁🏼‍♀️ I got a good laugh out of it, at least. And I wouldn’t trade a single gosh-darn thing. All those years wondering what was wrong with me were totally worth it when I look at DJ and my life with him now.

Ah, life. Que sera sera. I’m so grateful. He is utterly perfect for me.

(And just for the record? There’s nothing wrong with you.)
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#valentines #husband #thelittlethings #thebigthings #twuewuv #marriagegoals #beating50percent #beating60percent #lovestory
In November of 2019 I invested $7.96 in stocks on In November of 2019 I invested $7.96 in stocks on Robinhood. It promptly started losing value, and after a few weeks I forgot about it. This morning I randomly decided to check my account and see if there was any spare change lingering.

My stock was up to over $200! 😱😱 like whaaaat. I’m blown away. (Do I leave it and see what happens or do I take it out while my earnings are still 2,301% ahead?!)

In other news that’s a freshly-picked Arizona orange right there and it’s the best orange I’ve ever eaten.
Because yesterday was National Spouse Day and I’ Because yesterday was National Spouse Day and I’ve got the BEST one. 🥰

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