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Abby Calvin

forever chasing light

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January blooms. January blooms.
I liked it so much, I preordered it twice. 🤪 (A I liked it so much, I preordered it twice. 🤪 (And then I realized it and canceled one) Book release day for my fave @hannahbrencher, whose words have helped me through many hard times. ♥️

(I’m not on the release team but I maybe should have applied for it!)
2020 had a lot of emotions, most of which were not 2020 had a lot of emotions, most of which were not shown here. 😆 But we made it through!

And I’m not paying $1.99 to remove that watermark.
Only took a few photos this Christmas but it was e Only took a few photos this Christmas but it was enough. ♥️
Bundle up, they said. It will be cold, they said. Bundle up, they said. It will be cold, they said.

My Colorado brain took this VERY seriously. So I bundled. Not pictured: the hat, scarf, and gloves I added on my way out. 

It was 62°. 😆

Still. I’d rather be too warm than too cold. Christmas Under the Stars was lovely, and we sang all my favorite Christmas hymns. 🌟
I would probably post a lot more often if I didn’t have to write captions. 😅 happy lazy Saturday, ya’ll.
Rainy days in AZ must be documented. It was a hig Rainy days in AZ must be documented.

It was a high of 55° today and i saw an insane amount of people bundled up to the nines in down coats, hats, and gloves. Is that going to be me next year? 😅
even through all the messy, hard, and crazy of thi even through all the messy, hard, and crazy of this year I don’t know how I got so dang lucky as to get to do it all with this one. I’m stupid blessed. #thankful
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photo by the incomparable @sarahporterphotos 💖
Happy girl found some autumn. 🍁 🌾🍂 I’v Happy girl found some autumn. 🍁 🌾🍂

I’ve been thinking about how easy it is to hide. (And correspondingly how easy it is, too, to judge people based on what little we see of their lives.) My last post was meant to be a sort of “but that was a month ago! I’m way over all that now!” but I don’t think it’s all that easy. We all carry so much of what seem like opposing things, but are really not. Happiness and sadness. Grief and joy. Old dreams and new hopes. Ancient roots and green new baby leaves.

I meant to hide, and I did. I hid from my husband and from all my friends just how much I was struggling, and you know what happened? It didn’t just go away. It didn’t make me look any better. All hiding did was deprive me of opportunities for connection, love, and friendship, and then of course I felt lonely and isolated!

There’s no great point to this post. No “but now I’m all better!” lesson in which I am able to impart my great wisdom. Just a hey, I’m human, and so are we all. In the words of the late great Oscar Wilde, we are all in the gutter. 

But some of us are looking at the stars. 

(and I’m still free; you can’t take the sky from me)
Here’s a post I wrote a month ago but was too em Here’s a post I wrote a month ago but was too embarrassed to share. 🙃
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TRUTH: I am loooooving Arizona. I know we made the right choice in moving here, and I am SO excited to start building a life here!

ALSO TRUTH: I am struggling. Really struggling. Moving is hard. Moving is really, reeeeaaallly hard. It’s stressful even when you’re moving within the same state. It’s especially stressful when you’re moving to a brand-new state without a house lined up and you know like one person in the new state.

My anxiety is spiking like crazy. Last time we were here, we had a situation where some dude on the highway slammed on his brakes right in front of us, repeatedly, deliberately trying to cause an accident, we assume in an attempt to collect on insurance. Ever since then, I’ve had CRUSHING anxiety every time I drive. I haven’t been able to get on the highway at all since we’ve been here, and I’ve only driven my car  a grand total of one time in the last month. My little brain is stuck on survival, on warning me over and over and over again, “that person’s gonna try to make you crash.”

I know what you’re thinking. That’s so LAME. And pathetic. And I’ve tried the beating-myself-over-the-head route, and it just hasn’t worked. Maybe it’s time to stop trying to pull myself up my my bootstraps, and show myself the same sort of compassion I’d show to a friend in the same situation.

Maybe it’s time to try softer?

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