I’m trying to implement a regular writing practice. It’s a very small step, I know, but I have a date with myself every Monday, and so far I haven’t skipped a day since I’ve implemented it. (only a few months, but small consistencies are still consistencies!)
Gosh, it’s been so long since I’ve written here! I feel like I probably owe you all an introduction, but I’m not going to do it. If you’re here, chances are you know me. If you don’t know me…well, sticking around is probably not the best way to go about it, since I update this blog with shocking infrequency! I have decided, however, to at least attempt to use this blog as a way of keeping me accountable.
Anyone remember LiveJournal? This is my new LiveJournal. An online, very uninteresting diary of sorts.
So. Hi. š
Anxiety Diaries 001
Last night we went out for dinner.
It was one of those perfect evenings, the kind every romance novel talks about and you see so rarely in real life – unless you live in Colorado, and then you see them every summer evening. (We live in Colorado, by the way.)
The neighborhood we live in is beautiful. āResort-style living,ā they call it, surrounded by rolling green golf courses, shimmering lakes, and friendly neighbors. Tiny sandpipers run along the beaches, and the sunsets are breathtaking. Nearly everyone owns a golf cart, and the clubhouse is just a half-mile away from our house. We took our cart there last night, on a Wednesday evening, nothing special. There was a soft breeze gently brushing our skin, and an exquisite view of the Colorado mountain range from our upstairs patio seats.
We both ordered the salmon, and our hands touched throughout the meal. We smiled into each otherās eyes like the idiots in love we are, and talked about how far weāve come, and how truly, truly incredibly blessed we are. My heart was full and I was blissfully happy. I donāt think there was a single thing that could have improved the evening.
We ran into several people we knew and enjoy, and chatted briefly with them all. Then we drove home, and my husband left to check emails on his computer. I sat on the couch.
I was smiling to myself. It had been such a good evening, and I was truly happy.
Then I started running over the evening in my mind. And it slowly starting going faster, and faster, on endless loop. I thought about everything Iād said. I thought about everything I hadnāt said. I thought about everything I should have said, or definitely shouldnāt have said. My heart picked up its pace. My breath quickened. My hands started shaking. I shouldnāt have said that. I should have done that instead. Why did I do that? Whatās wrong with me? Why canāt I be normal? What is happening to me?
By the time my husband came back from the office, I was curled on the couch crying. My mind was so off-track at this point that I couldnāt even tell him what was wrong. I told him I thought he got a broken wife and he held me and said he got a perfect wife. Bless the man and his patience. He stayed up with me, late into the night, and talked to me until the fears were put to rest and I could finally sleep.
Thatās how it happens. It comes out of nowhere. Anxiety doesnāt always mean pointless worry about what could happen. It doesnāt mean not trusting God with your future. It is something that comes out of the middle of a happy evening and overwhelms you and tells you not that horrible things might happen, but that you are wrong simply for being. It is your mind turning against you, un-asked for and unwanted. It isnāt because you forgot to be grateful. It isnāt because you havenāt prayed enough (do those with anxiety ever stop praying?) and it isnāt because thereās something wrong with you. Itās just something that happens, sometimes. Ā
And if this is you, Iām here to tell you that it gets better. There will be dark days, but there will also be days of sunlight and joy. You are in the valley now, but you wonāt always be. Give yourself a little grace, and donāt let anxiety tell you that youāre alone. You are not alone. This is something you carry, and you may always carry it, but it doesnāt get to tell you who you are. Youāre still here, and you are so worth loving.
Saturday…Sales? (a new feature, perhaps?)
I wanted to share with you all a few things Iāve purchased recently that Iāve been loving!
First up – I donāt know about you, but I instantly feel like I have my life at least 75% more put together when I am wearing matching pajama sets. These tropical banana leaf print pajamas are giving me major summer vibes! They are silky, lightweight, and fit true to size – Iām wearing the size Small.
Also check out the glasses I’m wearing in the above photo. They look normal enough but they’re actually…dun dun:Ā Blue-light blocking glasses?? Yes, please! I work in front of a computer all day and when I come home I chill in front of ā¦. My phone? Ā More often than not, a computer screen is a major part of life, and that blue glare can cause some major eye strain. Since I ordered these off of Amazon, I wasnāt able to try them on first, and theyāre giving me some major 70s vibes with how ginormous they are! Iāve only had them for a day, so I canāt speak to how they help out long-term, but I wore them while writing and chatting on Facebook messenger with a friend for at least a few hours, and when I took them off – well I donāt know if itās possible for eyes to cringe? But mine did. Check the glasses out here if youāre interested.
*links to Amazon are affiliate links.
a wish
āIād like to add some beauty to life. Iād love to make people have a pleasanter time because of meā¦ to have some little joy or idea or happy thought that would never have existed if I hadnāt been born.ā
āL.M. Montgomery
NaNoWriMo?
Happy November! I canāt believe this year is nearly over. Only a few weekends left until Christmas! I have significantly less people to shop for this year, so hopefully that will go far towards making it The Most Wonderful Time of the Year instead of The Most Stressful Time of the Year. š
Have you ever heard of National Novel Writing Month – NaNoWriMo, as it is affectionately known for short? It is a fun, misery-loves-company exercise in creative writing that happens each November The basic premise is that from November 1st – 30th, participants (and there are hundreds of thousands!) dedicate focused time and effort into writing a 50,000 word novel. NaNoWriMo believes that your story matters, and that the world needs your novel, and it is a wonderful way to jump-start the creative processes through fun competition.
I signed into my account at the beginning of the month and the little italics at the top of the page told me that I had been a member of NaNoWriMo for 13 years. Thirteen years! Iāve only participated for perhaps half of those, and Iāve finished with 50,000 words maybe half of that, but how in heavenās name has it been thirteen years since I first came across it and wrote my first (terrible!) novel?
My girl Jacinta convinced me to join her in the challenge this year, and in a fit of recklessness and ambition, I actually agreed.
The truth is, I havenāt written fiction in years. Six or seven, perhaps. Iām just no good at it anymore, or perhaps itās that it no longer holds the same appeal for me that it once did. It was always one of my childhood ambitions – to be a writer. Iām not sure if I wanted it so much because I loved writing, or because I loved books, or because so many of my friends wanted to be writers. I do have some modicum of talent in the area, at least I fondly like to believe so – but I am beginning to wonder if God has a different direction for me.
But I digress. I started off the month like a house on fire. Then I started losing momentum, realized I was stuck, and took a two-day writing break while my husband and I were road tripping together. Then I went back to the beginning and changed over my modern-day novella into a mid-Victorian historical. I was pretty excited about this, and completely caught up and maybe even surpassed my word count goals.
Now Iām stuck again. I utterly hate my heroine – you know, the biggest part of the whole story? I canāt relate to her at all, and that makes me hate writing her. I keep wanting to add secret depths to her, but right now that just isnāt who she is supposed to be, so I have to resist. And that makes me not want to write about her.
Jacinta, on the other hand – now I think she might have found her niche. She is posting her story publicly, and I for one am an absolutely riveted reader. Iām absolutely loving it! Go visit her website at A Walk In The Forest and check it out. š
100 Days…
…to Brave.
I impulsively ordered this book off of Amazon after listening to the author’s podcast one day. She was talking about how she had just moved to a new place and knew absolutely no one, and one thing she said stuck out to me in a really big way: She said YES to every single invitation she got. To meet up for coffee, to attend a Mary Kay party, to go out with a group. The answer was always YES.
And I thought to myself, how brave! As an introvert, I value my alone time. I glory in my ability to say NO to things. But often I tend to over-indulge this grown-up privilege and withdraw, keeping far to close to home when I should be out there being brave. So when she started talking about the devotional book she had written for girls just like me, perhaps more courageous than we allow ourselves to live, those surrounding themselves by fear (aka safety!) and living smaller than we should, I hopped right online and bought it.
The challenge for Day One is simply this: tell someone that you’re starting this journey. So I’m telling you. I don’t think I have massive amounts of blog readers so far, but sometimes it’s better that way, isn’t it? Imagine we’re sitting at a coffee shop, and it’s sweater weather and the fireplace is crackling and our lattes have that gorgeous art on the top and we’re Instagramming it all and sitting in the light surface-y conversation and then I draw a deep breath and confess to you, “I want to be brave. I’ve been living my life so small, and allowing fear to hold me back. So I’m taking this challenge called 100 Days to Brave. Do you want to take it with me?”
So how about it. Be brave with me?
Transition
Winter is here, can you feel it? I love the transition season of autumn, but its beauty is the flare of a match, blazing up in glorious color and then fading quickly, blowing out in a sudden gust of wind and leaving the cold and dark in its wake.
Windsor had its first snow yesterday; the earliest I can recall since I’ve lived here (going on 9 years this January!) And just like that, it’s as if the aspens never turned yellow, as if the October sun didn’t blaze golden and warm across fields of sunflowers. A family I was once incredibly close with took their annual family vacation in Vail last week – a vacation I was once invited to, a family I was once considered part of. My life has since taken a different path, and I do not regret the change, though the loss still hurts and the emptiness still echoes within me.
I cleaned my office this evening- my beautiful, built-with-love office. Whenever I enter it I am overwhelmed with that elusive feeling of home, of belonging. DJ made it for me. He worked tirelessly to paint the walls the perfect shade of greige; his hands assembled the desk and the bookshelves; he considered my love of light and of the ocean when he chose the mural, and he thought of my smile when he picked out the bookends, and he anticipated my astonishment and delight when he put the photographs I had thought were lost into their frames.
There’s a corner in the office where two large boxes sit, and have sat since the beginning. Inside them are remnants of a life I used to live – relics of the girl I used to be. I’ve lugged these boxes with me through a minimum of three different moves, and each time they’ve sat in the corner or in the closet or on a shelf, unopened and un-thought of, at least until the next move when I come across it and feel that tangible connection to the contents, that overwhelming reluctance and inability to get rid of them. I’m a hoarder, in a very gentle sense of the word. It’s hard for me to throw away things that I feel connected to; things that remind me of special moments and memories.
Today I threw out both boxes. It hurt, a bit, but it felt good, and it also felt somewhat symbolic. Holding on to the past holds us back. We should not ever forget the lessons we’ve learned and the paths we’ve walked, but holding onto baggage (emotional, spiritual, and physical!) only ever weighs us down and makes it harder to move forward.
It’s okay to throw things out. It’s okay to leave parts of yourself in the past. It really is.
There are times when I don’t know who I am anymore. But I know who holds me (as cheesy as that sounds!) and I know the kind of person I want to be, and somehow those things are enough to keep me grounded as I move forward. The love of people may change, lessen, and leave, but God’s love never does – and it is enough.
my girls
My girls. My tribe. Encouragers, truth-speakers, and some of the most courageous and strong women I have ever known. Words cannot express how honored I was to have them all by my side on my wedding day. They’ve been with me through so much, never wavering in their friendship, love, and loyalty. These are the ones who will circle the wagons, and be there for me when I need them – which they have proven over and over. Theirs is no friendship of convenience or ease, but fierce once-in-a-lifetime loyalty. I can’t imagine my life without you!
My only regret is how far apart we all live! My sister lives in Connecticut, Rissa in Mississippi, Heather in South Dakota, and Jacinta in Virginia! Honestly, when I look at all of us it’s amazing how we all stay connected. But some people are just special, and neither time nor distance separates you.
There are others I could list, others I wished I could say were there with me but who were not. But though my heart ached with the loss, they were all there with me, held close in my heart, and I’m overwhelmingly grateful I was able to share the day with these four. (Stay tuned, because I’d like to do a feature with each one of them!)
one month
It’s our anniversary! We have officially been married for ONE WHOLE MONTH! Technically, I suppose it was yesterday, but I completely forgot. I’m not sure how that happened, because normally I’m incredibly sentimental about anniversaries and dates. (DJ thinks he’s rubbing off on me. He’s not.)
I’ve been thinking back over the last month, and while I’d really like to give this a clever “Ten Things I’ve Learned In Our First Month of Marriage” or “Seven Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married” title, but I don’t have anything quite so neat. I have a few thoughts and observations, though, and some of them are likely completely unique to me and to my marriage.
Our Honeymoon in Isla Mujeres
I’m a big fan of the road less traveled, and flying by the seat of my pants. But I also like to know that “it’s all taken care of,” too. That kind of describes my relationship with my husband, actually – I’m the dreamer and the free spirit and he’s the steady frame that keeps me centered. I like not knowing exactly what we’ll do or where we’ll end up, but DJ’s always there to make sure we have a hotel room to stay the night and a rental car to take us places. You know, responsible stuff like that. š
But I digress. I had asked DJ to surprise me with our honeymoon destination, and though he couldn’t resist letting me in on the final few options he’d narrowed it down to, I left the ultimate decision up to him. I couldn’t have been more thrilled when he chose Villa Rolandi on the tiny, tiny (only 4 miles long!) island of Isla Mujeres in Mexico!